Anything
by onlymystory
Summary: Stiles will do anything to keep Derek safe. No matter what it does to him.


**I honestly have no idea what this story is. It started out as being a sort of twist on a lot of fanfic I read where Stiles was going to be totally okay with Derek needing time to have feelings and minimally angsty with little of Stiles keeps letting himself get shot at to save Derek's life in the meantime. **

**And then it turned into this dark and insane story and I'm pretty sure I'm doing some massive projecting here. Anyway, I promise like 8 kittens & rainbows stories to make up for it plus updates on all the other happy stories I've been writing.**

* * *

_"Love has no middle term; either it destroys, or it saves. All human destiny is this dilemma. This dilemma, destruction or salvation, no fate proposes more inexorably than love. Love is life, if it is not death. Cradle; coffin, too. The same sentiment says yes and no in the human heart. Of all the things God has made, the human heart is the one that sheds most light, and alas! most night." ~Les Miserables._

* * *

It started the fall semester of Stiles' senior year at college.

Or, if he was being honest, it started his junior year of high school when he let Derek say no. Once they'd survived the Alpha pack, he and Derek had started getting closer. Derek didn't push him into walls anymore or manhandle him and Stiles didn't tease nearly as much, at least not in a mean way. The house got fixed up and the pack started hanging out for movie nights or dinner or x-box tournaments (which Boyd & Danny nearly always won) and somehow the natural order seemed to involve Stiles and Derek on the couch.

Sometimes Stiles would fall asleep on Derek's shoulders and sometimes Derek would rest his head in Stiles' lap and let Stiles rub his neck until they both fell asleep. It was going somewhere and they both knew that as comfortable as they were with the current state of things, this whole thing was going somewhere a lot bigger than either of them were really ready for.

Stiles ended up being ready first. He'd done his research and talked to Derek and the whole mate thing came up which was like yeah important and super intense but it didn't actually negate the need for dating and falling in love and the normal stuff. On the days Stiles could admit it, he knew he'd fallen in love with Derek a while ago. But where they were? Yeah that was a good place to be.

Then came the day when the entire pack had come over and they weren't supposed to be joining the movie night so the couch had been commandeered. They'd felt bad about trying to move everyone (even though the wolves offered) and worked out a solution in the oversized arm chair with Derek sitting and Stiles sort of draped across the sides. He figured his ass was on cushion and not on Derek's lap so it wasn't quite as awkward as it could have been.

And right at Stiles' favorite part of Never Been Kissed (because yes, he loved that movie and refused to apologize for it), he'd heard Derek make a little whine. Stiles turned to look at him and Derek just kind of leaned forward and kissed him.

It was sweet and gentle at first but then Stiles kind of twisted and pulled and pushed his tongue in Derek's mouth and then Derek was kissing and biting and marking his neck. It took about two minutes for Derek to wrap Stiles' legs around his waist and start walking to his bedroom. Stiles was far beyond caring if that made him the girl in the relationship.

They kissed longer and deeper and for the first time in a while Derek had Stiles up against a wall again. It was just rutting up against each other but even to this day Stiles was still amazed that Derek came first. He was only like a split second behind but until that moment when Derek slumped against him, he'd always wondered if his feelings were more intense than the Alpha's.

Derek backed away from him and sat on the bed, resting his head in his hands. Stiles let him go, not wanting, not needing to push. Derek started making excuses. Stiles was too young, he was too old, Kate, it was wrong. Stiles finally stopped him. Said he'd wait. He stood in front of Derek and he gently kissed him and he made sure Derek knew that Stiles would do anything for him. And if anything meant giving Derek more time to heal, to stop being the broken man in front of him, he'd do that too.

Derek tried to tell Stiles that he shouldn't have to wait for him. Stiles just told Derek he knew he loved him, and he knew Derek wanted to love him in return and for now that was enough.

All Stiles wanted was to be certain Derek wouldn't push him away in the meantime.

He didn't. They were close without being intimate, comfortable with each other at a level that didn't exist between the other pack members.

Once in a while Derek would kiss Stiles and Stiles would kiss back until he could feel Derek start getting agitated. Then Stiles would move away and pull Derek's head to his shoulder and whisper that he understood.

Derek spent most of Stiles' college years wondering if Stiles would change his mind, would want to back out. Stiles assured Derek he was stuck with them and slowly they came to understand that when school was done and he was home, they would finally be together.

Derek was better, the brokenness healed even if it still left a few scars. Stiles was older and still sure of his love for Derek beyond all else.

It was too hard for Derek to be with Stiles and then be at home and the pack needed him in Beacon Hills. So they waited for school to end and for it to be their turn. It was a good life.

Stiles was happy. He should have known.

* * *

The girl asking him out wasn't the first. Men and women often asked him out on dates and he always gently turned them down. He'd tell them his love was back home and most people just sort of whatever'd him and gave up. A few would get a starry look in their eyes like they wondered if they would ever be able to love someone like that.

This girl wouldn't take no for an answer. She kept pushing and Stiles kept saying no and eventually he thought it was over.

A week later she revealed that she was a witch and had cast a spell on Derek. If Stiles didn't do what she wanted, she'd hurt him.

The witch didn't waste any time proving she had that power either.

It was the perfect plan. Stiles would have died before touching her (or anyone) if the pain was inflicted on him. But he couldn't bear seeing Derek hurt. So he did what she wanted.

There were moments when he wondered if it would have been easier if there was a reason. If he'd provoked her by killing a family member or something. Anything. But the only answer he ever got was that she was completely psychotic and once fixated on something or someone, had to have it.

Eventually he stopped wondering.

* * *

Seeing Derek's face was the hardest. The look of betrayal in his eyes, the way he could smell someone else on Stiles.

Stiles did his best to stay away as much as he could.

The looks of shock, of disbelief and disapproval from his pack hurt too much.

She'd threatened to kill Derek if he told anyone. Stiles would do anything to keep Derek alive.

So he kept quiet and let the people he loved think that after all these years, when they were so close, that he'd finally given up.

* * *

Stiles hated when she insisted on a kiss in public the most. The sex he could handle. He gave himself a few ground rules on that one at the beginning. The first had been to say hell fucking no. A few minutes later he'd gotten a call from Isaac, freaking out and saying Derek had suddenly collapsed to the floor and was screaming in pain.

Stiles told Isaac it was probably a delayed reaction to an encounter with an unknown type of wolfsbane. He promised to look something up real quick, made an excuse to put the phone on mute but instructed Isaac to tell him the minute anything changed.

Then he pulled his jeans down and climbed on top of the bitch and did what she demanded. By the second thrust Isaac was saying it stopped and Stiles hung up the phone.

He refused to come inside her though, pulling out at the last second. He wouldn't give her that. After that first time, he wouldn't look at her either.

Stiles did make sure he focused on exactly who he was fucking though. He would never give her the satisfaction of trying to imagine it was Derek and actually having a sliver of pleasure. No, this was painful and brutal and he hated himself for every second that it turned him into a sadistic bastard.

And he took the tiniest bit of comfort in it being a female witch that had cursed Derek because he didn't know if he could bear it to have anyone else inside him.

But the kisses…those nearly broke him. Something dark and evil and twisted took hold during sex but the kisses were her way of claiming him. Her way of insuring the world recognized them as a couple. Of screaming in Derek's face that Stiles was with her.

There were moments when he stared at the back of the witch's head as he fucked her and thought about how easy it would be to snap her neck.

He was strong and he knew the right angles to twist and could probably have it over in a matter of seconds.

The problem was he knew from experience that a witch's power didn't actually break in death but usually intensified and he was in no way putting it past her to have cast a spell that killed Derek in the event of her death.

So he swallowed the urge and kept going and never let himself wonder what sort of person he had become that he could consider maliciously murdering someone without a drop of guilt.

* * *

Stiles stopped even trying to go to pack meetings. He'd figured out that the witch lost track of exactly where he was once he entered pack territory so he would step over the border and wait until an appropriate amount of time passed.

It killed him to do it, knowing Derek could scent his presence, and worse, scent another person on him, but it was better than looking Derek's face and seeing that look of betrayal. That look that said he knew Stiles wouldn't keep his promise, that he knew it was just more lies, the look that said he'd never be able to trust anyone ever again.

That was the part that made something inside of Stiles' shrivel up and die every time he came home.

Eventually there wasn't anything left to die.

* * *

Allison finds him three weeks before graduation.

He's pretty sure they've been trying to track him every time he comes into pack territory, to yell at him of course because the voicemails and texts have done a pretty good job of wanting to know what in the hell could possess him to hurt Derek this much.

But Stiles is also good at not being found if he doesn't want to be and so far he's been able to play this game and stay on the winning side. It's the only thing he's been successful at and he's determined to keep it that way.

He should have known he couldn't beat them forever.

Allison's gotten tougher now, probably a result of spending so much time with Lydia and he knows she's worried and pissed and thoroughly confused so he can't really blame her for yelling at him.

She demands to know what he's been thinking and why he would date someone else now, would be having sex with someone else, after all these years of patiently waiting for Derek to work through her issues.

She reminds him that Derek had been getting better and that even Stiles knew that when school finished, things would be taking a big step forward. Allison yelled about the fact that Stiles had been over the moon about this all summer, so happy that he and Derek had been able to do this, been able to work things out.

Allison is crying by the time she's finished and she finally demands to know why he would suddenly decide to do something that was killing Derek.

Something in Stiles gives up. He looks at Allison, looks her right in the eye and tells her that if he stops this, it will literally kill Derek and that's the thing he can never live with.

Allison stops and stares at Stiles and in a very cold voice tells him to explain.

So he does. He tells her about the witch and the spell and the fact that he would do anything, ANYTHING, for Derek, including utterly destroy his own chance at happiness if it keeps the man he loves alive. He tells her that he doesn't even know how he's graduating since every waking moment is spent trying to figure out a way to break the spell and he's yet to find anything. Not even his attempts have worked and he points out that the times Derek has collapsed in pain are directly tied to those attempts.

Stiles tells Allison exactly how much this is breaking him into pieces. She listens when he says that he always knew Derek was broken in a way that just needed time to heal. And she listens as he tells her that he's been broken so completely that he knows he'll never be whole again.

With lifeless eyes and a voice he doesn't recognize, he points out that even if he could get out of this curse, the only person who could save him is Derek and he knows Derek will never want to look at him, let alone touch him again.

Then he stands up and tells her he chose this the moment he chose to love Derek. That maybe he didn't know it would take this kind of a sacrifice but that he'd always planned on doing anything for him. He says goodbye, and he means forever because he knows this is it. Stiles wishes there was regret or anguish or any sort of emotion in his voice but he lost any ability to feel anything anymore a long time ago.

Allison doesn't stop him as he walks away and he doesn't mind because he doesn't know what's left to say anyway.

* * *

The witch leaves the next day, something about her coven in Utah being under attack. Stiles doesn't put the pieces together until Jackson and Erica are at his door.

Allison told them everything. And they're going to fix it.

Stiles shakes his head. There isn't a fix for this. He's searched every resource, gone to every contact, risked his life more than once to find an answer. He has no tears, no anger, only bitter acceptance.

But there's a flicker in his heart that is glad they know. If only so he doesn't have to be hated by everyone.

Jackson reminds him that when he exhausted his resources, he forgot that Lydia is a resource, and that Lydia doesn't accept defeat.

It's the truth but it gives Stiles no hope.

Erica and Jackson seem to understand that. They make him promise to be ready, just in case.

Stiles promises.

* * *

It was over. Lydia had commandeered the troops and broken the spell. It won't be until much later that he learns just how much his pack sacrificed to break the spell. They would have sacrificed far more if necessary. But it was broken. He could feel it. The tightness in his chest that always wondered if today would be the day the witch said 'fuck it, let's just kill Derek anyway' was gone and he knew he was free.

He also knew he had only a minute or two before the witch registered that the spell was broken, it was only his sense of mate that let him know first.

So he leaned over her and whispered that tonight he felt like doing something he'd never done yet because he needed it. She didn't even question. Stiles pulled her up against him, thrust forward one more time and snapped her neck at the same time.

Then he pulled away and zipped up his jeans. He called Lydia and told her to send Jackson to get this thing out of his life.

It was pretty obvious they'd been waiting outside the apartment because Jackson was inside the door and wrapping the witch in a sheet within minutes. Erica helped bind the body with iron, just in case, and then they were out the door.

Stiles couldn't move anymore. He just stood there, in the middle of the room where it seemed like everything good and innocent and joyful about him had slowly died.

He shook and shook and finally curled into a ball on the floor and no matter how much Lydia tried, he didn't know how to stop. Isaac finally came in from the car (they hadn't wanted to overwhelm him with people) and picked him up and carried him out the door. Stiles was in a catatonic state the entire time they drove. When the car reached the edge of Beacon Hills, Isaac hauled him out and carried him a few hundred yards into the forest, away from people and noise and life itself.

Isaac just sat there with him, holding him tight, whispering nonsense until Stiles finally seemed to wake up.

Isaac didn't say a word as they made their way back to the car and Lydia just hugged him.

* * *

They tried to tell him to talk to Derek, knowing Derek would understand.

Stiles knew Derek would understand. But he also knows Derek, understands how his mind work. After everything he's done, Stiles can't live with allowing Derek to take on this kind of guilt. He tells the pack it's better to let Derek be angry.

He can live with angry.

Isaac and Allison try to tell him that he can't live with these feelings either.

Stiles doesn't feel anything anymore.

He moves back home, cooks for his dad, reads a lot and allows the pack to come over and talk to him. He can't handle more than two of them at once and they respect that.

Stiles tries not to see Derek. Their paths can't help but cross, Beacon Hills is a small town after all but there's never more than a look between them.

If Stiles could still feel, the betrayal in Derek's eyes might break him. But there's only a shell of a man where Stiles used to be, so the emotions fall away.

* * *

When a scouting group from a rival pack attacks the Hale house, leaving Derek injured, Stiles ignores the commands to stay home until they tell him it's safe.

He doesn't know what love is anymore, doesn't know how to care for someone. But Derek is his. Has always been his. And no one gets to hurt what is his. He knows this above all else.

Stiles tracks the pack on his own. When Chris Argent arrives with Allison, Jackson, and Scott, having tracked the wolves as well, Stiles is standing in the center of a ring of five dead werewolves.

He holds a lead pipe in one hand and a wicked looking long dagger in the other.

The others stare in shock but Stiles says nothing, simply stepping over one of the bodies to get out of the circle.

The pack's Alpha doesn't get the right message. He comes back seeking revenge.

Stiles cuts a hole in his chest and ties a length of wolfsbane around his heart.

There are no more wolf attacks.

The Argents established years ago that Beacon Hills was off limits to outside hunters. But of course eventually some will show up anyway.

Stiles is doing his perimeter walk through the woods, always protecting, even unseen, when he hears them. The hunters are sent by a significant hunting group based out of Seattle. Stiles knows of them. They have nearly two hundred hunters at their disposal and don't honor the code.

The eleven hunters say they're going to burn the house down again and enjoy watching Derek scream as he dies.

Stiles puts a body together using pieces from each of the other bodies and mails it to the Seattle compound. He writes a note saying this was a gesture of good will on his part and in the future, he'll make sure it hurts.

No one returns to Beacon Hills.

* * *

Stiles knew someone would tell Derek eventually. He still doesn't know who did it. And in the end it doesn't matter.

Stiles comes home to find Derek sitting in a chair in the living room. Derek wants to know why, why he would put himself through so much pain.

Stiles tells Derek it's because he loved him. Would still love him if he knew how to feel again. If he knew how to come home. He says he would do anything to protect Derek, to keep Derek safe. Anything.

The guilt in Derek's eyes as he tries to take on the burden of Stiles' actions makes Stiles angry. It's not the first emotion he would have expected, nor the first one he wanted but he grabs onto it.

Stiles yells. He yells at Derek that he's not allowed to feel guilty, not allowed to make this his fault. If Derek feels guilty then everything Stiles did will be in vain. It'll make Derek broken again and Stiles pleads with him not to go there. Begs him to stay whole because they both can't be broken anymore.

Derek promises.

He asks Stiles if he can stay and Stiles says yes.

Derek only tries once to touch Stiles, just to hug him, wrap him in his arms and attempt to offer comfort.

Stiles screams and throws himself backwards across the room.

Derek sits back in the chair, promises he won't do it again. There's no hurt in his eyes, no betrayal. He can understand. He can wait. He'd do anything for Stiles.

They progress slowly, just existing in the same space for the longest time. Derek sleeps on the couch and Stiles sleeps in his bed and Derek takes comfort in the steady pulse of Stiles' heart.

After a few months Stiles comes downstairs, sweaty and shaken from a nightmare. Derek is awake, he's always awake in these moments. Stiles sits next to Derek on the couch and Derek moves inward to make room. Stiles lays his head on Derek's chest and whispers that he needs to touch him. Needs to feel that he's still there.

Derek wraps an arm around Stiles and they fall asleep.

After that Derek doesn't sleep on the couch.

Their first kiss takes six months. Neither can figure out what leads them to it but they arrive all the same.

It's raining out and Stiles remarks that he likes the rain. That it makes him feel content. It's the first time he's said he feels anything.

Derek barely breathes as he stands in front of Stiles, rain pouring down on them. His lips ask a ghost of a permission and Stiles' eyes give it.

Derek kisses him gently, chastely, and Stiles deepens the kiss. There's no lustful dominance, no fighting to be closer together. Derek explores and Stiles lets him and revels in the purity of the moment.

They stand there together for the longest time, arms holding each other close, lips never dancing more than a few millimeters away.

Stiles doesn't feel as dead inside anymore. He can sense his heart begin to heal, here in the presence of the man who would do anything to bring him back.

It's only kisses for a while. But Stiles is happy that they're never stolen, never demanding. Derek always asks first, even with a mere look, and Stiles' answer is always a yes. It's just a kiss, but it's enough.

* * *

It took two years for Stiles to be ready for sex. He'd tried. Not for Derek's sake and Derek never ever pushed, never even made it seem like he was impatient. Stiles wanted this. He wanted to be completely Derek's and he wanted to get rid of this final hold the witch had on him. But he'd end up screaming or shaking and Derek always stopped.

Derek would wipe away his tears and run his claws gently along the back of Stiles' head and promise him it was okay.

When Stiles was finally ready, he told Derek he needed him to keep going. He said he'd probably cry and shake and he knew the smell of his fear would be all over the room. But Stiles assured Derek that it wasn't directed at him and that he needed this.

He needed to move on and if he couldn't do that, he at least needed to know.

It was a quiet experience.

Once upon a time, Stiles would have been talkative and teasing and demanding. Derek would have been growly and passionate. They both would have been loud and maybe a little rough and it would have been a very good moment.

This time around, Derek is the one who softly whispers 'I love you' throughout and Stiles doesn't fight his tears.

There's passion in it but it's a gentler passion. Theirs is no longer a love born of lust and unexplainable bonds but one hardened by pain and heartache and misery.

It's still love though.

For Stiles that makes it okay. Because love is still new to him, still something he's scared to trust, scared to hope for but Derek won't let him stop trusting in it.

When Derek comes inside him, Stiles stares into his eyes and whispers 'I love you'.

It's the first time he's said it, since the witch. He can feel the shell that's been built up around him finally disappear. It doesn't shatter or break, it just sort of dissolves, as though it had been almost gone anyway.

His eyes light up and he can feel himself return just as Derek can see it in his eyes.

"Stiles," exclaims Derek in wonder.

And Stiles is home.


End file.
